Gratitude Practice 2014 Nov 24: …Forward…Forward…Always Forward
Every year at this time, on the week of Thanksgiving…when conversations, calendars and shopping lists are all targeted towards a big meal and a long nap…I am transported back in time for a bit to a freezing November in 1992 when time stopped….not for too long…but for long enough for my sixteen year old self to hear the words and process the knowledge that my father had suddenly and tragically died. It’s a deafening silence and I remember thinking…oh, this is what people mean when they say they could cut “it” meaning emotion or feelings or mood like a knife. I remember swimming through the emotional goo associated to greeting family and strangely comforting the friends who lovingly shared their thanksgiving dinner with my family. I remember wading through the feelings of confusion and peculiarity at the viewing and funeral. And then there was the floating…and the haze…I spent the remaining years of High School floating through each event, each dance, each exam thinking…wow, high school is really kind of stupid! And my most recent emotional scuba dive into the deep unknown has been both harrowing and helpful. Every year at this time I get a little reflective…a little melancholy…a little curious and a lot more grateful. It’s the good kind of reflection…an annual emotional grounding followed by a celebration of the abundant blessings that bloom in both the sunlight and root deeply when things get rough. My adult brain wonders how different my life would have been had my father lived. Some days, I’d like to buy him a burger just to see how he would order it. How much of me came from him? Where and how would he have edited and stretched my world like all good parents do if he had had a few more years? How do you measure the death of a loved one…at any age?
I’ve been thinking all day about what I would write today and my head and heart went back to where I was last year. And after re-reading my gratitude post from 2013 (see below)...I don’t think I could actually say what I am grateful for any better or any more sincerely. So. Here’s to one more orbit around the sun wrapped up in the ever-positive remembrance of my life with Dad….forward…forward…every forward…
2013 Day of Gratitude #24 - Twenty-one years
Twenty-one years ago today, on a bitter cold November afternoon my father died. I was sixteen years old. It was unexpected and tragic and changed my world forever. He was complex, creative, resourceful and hard working. He called me "Popsicle Parsnips" and always jingled the coins in his pockets when he walked. I think he wore brown polyester pants and a white button down shirt almost everyday. He always sang in the church choir and usually had the solo at Christmas. In his early twenties, he lived in Germany and loved riding a motorized scooter far faster than he should have. He loved taking photographs. He WAS the audiovisual nerd of his high school and the best part is he did not care. One of my earliest memories is of my Dad pushing me on a swing. He pushed me for hours....forward....forward....always swinging forward. I remember the sun shining so bright that I needed to squint. I remember asking him to push me higher and higher and laughing. It was idyllic happiness...a perfect scene and one that perhaps is clouded by both time and nostalgia.
About seven years ago, while sifting through a box of childhood photos and school papers I found a crayon drawing of a big round yellow sun, some bright green lines and loops for grass and a little girl with yellow hair sitting on a swing set. Next to the swings, I drew a stick figure Dad carefully standing watch. The three letters of my name are scratched on the backside of this construction paper masterpiece. This childhood treasure is now framed and has hung on my wall ever since.
About one month ago, I attended the funeral for Burke's grandmother. One of the speakers said something I will never forget.... He said that no matter the age, loosing a parent can be difficult but that because the bond between parent and child is so strong they can often guide and love from the other side. It's been far more than just twenty-one years since I was that little girl with yellow hair squeezing with delight on a swing set. Twenty-one years today. I'm forever grateful that it does not take much for me to realize my Dad has carefully stood watch and lovingly pushed me forward....forward...always forward. One of my favorite quotes is, "the future is as bright as our faith." I'm grateful that I believe in life after death. I'm grateful for my parents whose combined and individual love and support have made all of the difference in my life. I feel blessed when I look towards the future and sometimes I have to squint because...it's forward...forward...always forward..
