Life Update April 16, 2024

Done and Done. Today was my final cancer treatment for this initial phase and I'm so very grateful to be at this point in the journey. 25 external radiation sessions + 4 doses of chemotherapy + 5 Brachytherapy internal radiation sessions =  successful tumor shrinking. 

Woohoo!

After my final round of radiation space invaders today, we celebrated with my phenomenal medical team reaching this milestone. This is no small task for any patient. We are not totally done BUT we are finished with the big heavy lift of targeted treatment. Can I hear an AMEN! 

The chemo and radiation I have received over the last two and a half months builds over time and the poison and lasers are now ping ponging through my body killing cancer cells and attacking what is left of the tumor. This internal radioactive pinball game will happen around the clock for the next several months as I slowly roll back into normal life. At this point, all scans indicate the treatment is working and the tumors are disintegrating more and more every day. I am not yet cancer free…BUT we are making great progress and we are all very hopeful.

A giant teary smile grew on my face today when my kind doctor and nurse held my hands and shared that we are in a very good place. The next phase of treatment includes 3 months of targeted rest and relaxation as my energy levels are still basement level low and my battered body needs time to recover and heal. Over the next few weeks, I will slowly return to normal life and I'm thrilled not to have a daily schedule of medical appointments and poking and lasers and poisons. In July, I will have more tests and scans to see how all of the pew…pew…pew…is working and then we go from there. Crossing all of the fingers and toes. 

My heart and mind are overflowing with gratitude and relief. It's crazy to think that almost three months ago the Universe yanked the emergency break on my life and put everything on pause…spun me around a few times…held me by the shoulders…and while looking me straight in the eyes communicated that cancer was the next big life course…and that class was starting soon. Maybe it's my professional training that prevents me from not thinking about everything in educational terms. Maybe it's just a low hanging fruit metaphor. Maybe it doesn't even matter in the end because this is how my brain works.  The last three months have been PhD level life learning and it feels like a grueling mind and body stretching semester just ended. 

 I have cancer …AND…this is what I've learned:

I have cancer…AND…I've learned that big time growth and transformation is unavoidable and all humans will experience knee crippling heartache at some point in life and more than often a few times. It's not if life will “life” it's when and in which form life will “life.” Adversity and “hard” are essential aspects of human-ing and it's our choice how we let them affect us. Experiencing is unavoidable. But learning, change and transformation are truly our decision. 

I have cancer…AND…I've learned how to dance with anger and doubt and resentment and rage. There have been sweaty high kicks. There have been slow dramatic rumbles. So much fast paced mental and emotional fancy footwork and toe tapping has been required to find purpose inside cancer. It has not been pretty but we are making our peace and have learned to dance together fiercely.

I have cancer…AND…My experience at the Huntsman Cancer Institute has changed me forever. If you want to believe in the goodness of humanity again…connect with THESE people. From the college students who work the valet to the kind men and women at the reception desk to the super smart doctors and talented nurses, THESE people are absolutely difference makers within our community. 

 I have cancer…AND…I've learned there is a sacred purpose inside pain and so much of life is maintaining positive momentum and sheer endurance. This is not a kittens and licorice level of toxic positivity…ain't nobody got time for that. This is the real deal, honest, messy, scrap and claw until you find the good kind of positive juju. Someday it's the tiniest thing that propels you forward. Taking a shower. Watching the sunrise. A bite of fresh fruit. A text. A really good nap. One baby step and then the next. Slow and steady day after day and once again, I have learned that the power of a daily gratitude practice makes a significant and lasting difference. 

I have cancer…AND…I've learned that I can and will do hard things when needed. I will walk slowly towards radioactive lasers and sit through infusion appointments to ingest actual lethal poison and I will do it every damn day if needed…because the stakes are high…the highest of high actually. I've been poked and stretched and examined and tested and transformed. I've been changed physically and spiritually and mentally and I now understand that I will show up when it's hard…even when it's really really hard…and I've learned that I really am a scrappy street fighter. 

I have cancer …AND…I've learned a deeper level of compassion and empathy for those who suffer chronic pain and illness. While at the hospital there seems to be an unspoken connection between those who are sick and suffering. I am different now because  of this shared connection as hope and admiration are exchanged with gentle head nods and weary smiles. I get this now. I hope I never forget how personal and profound the life lessons of resilience and heroic resolve.

I have cancer…AND…I've learned about boundaries and limits and levels and now have a greater clarity and confidence. Spending time and energy and resources are now carefully weighed and considered like never before. I've learned that taking care of me first makes all of the difference if I have any chance of taking care of anything else. My priorities have been forever prioritized and a long and healthy life with Burke and Sarah Kate are my ultimate why. 

I have cancer…AND…I've learned about God and Jesus and have found Them in new ways and in new places. I've always been a big believer and big big fan but the connection now seems real-er as I've been and continue to be healed and the hard is becoming holy. We’ve engaged in a really long ongoing conversation over the last few months. It's been honest and vulnerable and messy and sacred and faith sustaining. God is good and Jesus is a healer and this I know for reals. 

 I have cancer…AND…I've learned how to love and be loved in a whole new way. I pride myself in being independent and resourceful and self-sustaining. I'm most comfortable being the one who brings the casserole and flowers, not the one who receives it. It's been humbling to be cared for in such personal ways by those who love me most. My fierce independence can make me tricky to love at times and I'm learning it's okay to be driven to appointments, pushed in wheel chairs, fed, nurtured and prayed for. Receiving love from your tribe is a life altering experience and I am most certainly different because of this season of giving and receiving.  

I have cancer…AND…I've learned that my people are absolutely incredible. My little family has been carried and comforted and supported and transported and prayed for and fed by loved ones far and near. We have been loved in the most tender of ways…and I'm nothing but forever grateful.